Thinking thankful thoughts today...

When I pray at night, I don't pray for my soul, or for money or for stuff or for things to happen. When I pray to God at night, it is to say thank you. Don't get me wrong, there are a lot of things I would like, but the truth is, I'm quite content with the life that I've been given. I am thankful for my child, for my loving husband, for his job, and our house. I am thankful for my wonderful friends and mine and my husband's amazing family. We are SO blessed. But mostly when I pray, I am thankful for the fact that J has deployed four times and that my little brother has deployed two times, and in all of that, neither of them was harmed. They got to come home and live their lives, no matter that they were changed by what they saw. I'm thankful for all those that went and came back. And I'm so very grateful, for those that went and didn't.

This morning on Fox News, they said that in the last twenty four hours eight U.S soldiers have been killed in Afghanistan. Eight. That's eight lives gone. Eight people who will never get to come home and see their loved ones ever again. Eight families torn apart by unmeasurable pain. Eight. Eight doesn't sound like that many; in the grand scheme of things, maybe it isn't. It's not even a percentage of all we've lost. But when you take into account that each person will have touched the lives of countless others, the ripples will go on forever. Eight, in twenty-four hours. Eight people taken, in a day. Such loss and all I can think is 'eight.'

Tonight when I pray, it will be for these eight people I didn't know and for their families. I hope they find peace in such a horrible situation. And as always, I will pray for all of those that went in theater and didn't come back alive.

Horses

Ever since I was a little girl, I have always wanted a dapple gray quarter horse. I wanted a gray and I wanted to name it Phillipe after the horse on Beauty & the Beast. I'm sure every little girl does, or at one time did, want a horse. Growing up in a single-parent family hindered a lot of things that could have been, while I was growing up. It wasn't until I was in my teen years that I was able to spend quite a bit of time around farms and ranches and people who had horses of their own. I always felt like when I was an adult I would have a house that would have a barn and I would have horses; it just hasn't happened yet.

Actually, when we moved to Oklahoma, the plan was for me to start lessons and learn how to properly care for a horse and how to ride and everything, so eventually I could get my own. Life is funny though, and instead of Phillipe, I got Bug. In April my friend and I started talking about finding a place to ride. She has had quite a bit more experience than I have and we always have fun when we are together. That brings us to now, four months later, we've finally found a place. It's really close to our houses and very family friendly. Which is great, because her daughter and Bug both have a little place to play while we are taking our lessons. Also, both of the girls LOVED the horses. M., my friend's daughter, was running around yelling, "Puppy!" Then going to the next stall, "Puppy!" Bug was laying down in my arms trying to get away. My arm finally got sore and I set her down in the hay and dirt. She loved it. At one point, we were petting a retired race horse and she had this look on her face, like she was seeing the greatest thing ever. They both were really cute about the whole thing.

Our English-style riding lessons start on Monday and I am really excited! I've only ever been around Western riding and when they said the word "English," I cringed a little. There isn't a place to ride western here, and since I don't have twenty g's to throw down on a horse, tack & barn of my own; English it is! The fact that the girls can be with us, only makes it that much better & on top of that, everyone there was like a big family. It was great!

Family

My father abandoned us about five years ago. I use the term 'abandoned' some what loosely, as he wasn't ever really in our lives & it's not like he just picked up one day and left. You see, my father was never really a big part of our lives. He always answered when we called and always picked us up at the airport the few times we went to visit. He always had issues paying child support.

When I was 20, I got to spend some time with him and during that time he apologized to me for never being more in our lives. He said that he wanted to be better and be a bigger part of our lives. He said he was proud of the way we had turned out even if he didn't really have that much to do with it. It was the first time I felt like I may actually have a real relationship with him.

A little while later, I moved from FL back to CA and our relationship kind of slid back to me calling whenever I could. At this time, my little brother joined the army. When he got to AIT, we were informed there was a good chance that he was going to be deployed once he got to his duty station. After his training, he was given two weeks off before he was to leave for Iraq.

I called my dad and asked if he would come. He said he couldn't afford it, but that he would call my brother. He never did. He wouldn't even return my brother's e-mails. This is the part in the story, where I begin to be fed up. At the time I didn't understand what was happening. Now, a parent myself, I cannot begin to imgaine my child going off to war and NOT calling to tell him I love him and how proud I am of him. Shortly after this happened, I stopped calling him and he, as always before, never called me. The last time I talked to him was in May of 2006.

I am ashamed to say that at some point during all of this my grandparents, became very ill and had to be put in the hospital. My Granmother was diagnosed with stage 4 Alzhiemer's and my grandfather had fallen and broken a hip and needed 24 hour care. I do not know which hospital they were in and I do not know if they are still alive.

At the beginning of last week, I was messing around on Facebook and I found someone with the same name as one of my cousins. It is a pretty rare name. My father has a brother, who is quite a bit older than him. My uncle is married and has two kids. I have never known them. I only remember meeting my uncle and aunt one time. I dont remember their kids at all. I couldnt even tell you what any of them look like. Seeing this name on facebook brought on all sorts of emotions. I stared at the screen trying to decide what to do with it. Eventually, I went out on a limb and sent her a message. She hasn't responded. There could be any number of reasons for the lack of response. Maybe it wasn't her. Maybe she hasn't been on yet and hasn't seen my message. Maybe that whole side of the family would just rather ignore the fact that my father has children rather than let us in and get to know us. WHatever the reason, I tried. I have done everything I could to make it work. To figure it out.

Part of me is missing. Half of me is out there somewhere ignoring the fact that I exist. The only peace I have about this situation, I get from my own little family. I see J with Bug and I know he would never do to her what was done to us. I know that she'll always have him even if something happen to me.

Its all in the name

I have been changing the name of this damn blog since I made it. I haven't been able to decide on one that fits. The truth is that while being a military spouse has made me who I am, it doesn't define me. J is the same way. His job is in the military it doesn't define him. We don't really do military-based functions very often. I tend to keep to myself, rather than hang out with a bunch of other wives. I just cant do it, there always ends up being too much drama.

The things that define me are the things that go on in our house. The things we do together as a family, the people we love that are here, spending time with us. There is always fresh coffee, a bottle of wine or something baking...

Welcome to Casa Del McIvor

Dang it, I lost it!

My motivation has totally left the building. Or, at least, I can't see it from where I'm sitting. That means it's gone, right? There is so much I should be getting done right now, especially because Bug is sleeping and it's SO much easier to do chores when she's not yelling from the baby gate. There is a lot I have managed to accomplish today: I worked out, I went to the lake, I... well shoot. I could have sworn I've done more.

Today is day two of picking back up on my workouts. I hate it before I do them, but I'm always so glad after I'm done. When I had Bug, I weighed 199.8 and I was eccstatic that I didn't hit the 200 mark. By the first of the year, I had gotten down to 165, Where I quickly plateaued. By April I was fed up with my weight ((and the roll)) so I joined weight watchers and J bought me an elliptical. In the first week of doing both, I lost eight pounds. I'm really weird about working out in front of people. The gym is my nightmare. All those skinny, tan girls in their cute matching workout clothes and all the 300 pound muscle heads throwing weights around, it just freaks me out. Of course being Irish and turning BEAT RED when I workout, doesn't help either. Not kidding, one time in a Bally Total Fitness a trainor stopped me 30 minutes into my 45 minute run and asked if I was alright because of how red my face was. I panicked an quickly left. So, I have a strict rule about working out in front of people. Yes, even J. That being said, as quickly as I got settled into my new workout routine, life happened and suddenly we had two house guests and I couldn't workout anymore. When they left, I left for Portland for 12 days. I was able to keep up with WW while all of that was going on and managed to lose another three pounds. Then another two. Woo hoo!! Down to 150 pounds! That was less than I weighed when I got pregnant with Bug!

As great as that is, its still not where I'd like to be ((145)). Not to help matters, last week I kicked all good-eating habits out the window and gained three pounds back :o( yuck. So Sunday, I said, "That's it! I'm losing this weight!" "What?" My husband called from the other room, "Who are you talking to?"

That brings us to now... me sitting here on the couch with no motivation. I guess I need to remind myself more of how far I've come, instead of what I have left. To date, I've lost 49.8 pounds. I know whats left is not much, but it feels so far away.

Our Fourth of July

Even though J picked up the new cycle on Thursday, because it was a holiday weekend, he had quite a bit of it off. He was able to get away Friday night for us to have a date to the Toby Keith concert. We met J's SDS and his wife, at the concert and my friend went to the concert with us, so we had a nice fun group of people. We were really excited about the concert. It's the one main event a year that happens in this little town and as a plus, the weather was supposed to be in the high eighties that day instead of the normal hundred-plus for this time of year. The concert was held on the Polo Field at Ft. Sill. They sold all 12,500 tickets prior to the show, promising for the field to be packed.

Of course, as soon as we parked the car and walked to the Polo Field, it started pouring rain. As promised it was already packed with people and lots and lots of Joe. With the start of the torrential rains, the Polo Field kind of turned into chaos for a moment as people were running for cover, parents tried to get their strollers and young children covered with what ever they had so they'd be out of the rain. The SDS's wife said they promised a show rain or shine, so we decided to wait it out. By the time we got into the roped off area before the stage, we were soaked all the way to the skin. I had thrown an umbrella into my purse before we left the house, and had managed to keep my head some what dry during the initial down-pour, but the rest of me was soaked.

As we walked up, DS's from other battery's were making fun of J and the SDS for being there with Joe on their night off. We promised to arm-bar or trip any that came near enough and continued on with out evening. Having a sitter for our girls and a designated driver to get us home safely, K and I decided to have some beer. We bought beer and sodas for the ones not drinking and settled into our night to enjoy the concert.

As promised, the show went on despite the rain . The first performer was Jaron & The Long Road to Love. He sang four songs, ending with his new hit, "I pray for you." It was awesome! It's a great song and he did a great job! The next set of performers, and the ones I was most excited about, were Joey & Rory.
The weekend started out great! I LOVE them!! I think they're the cutest thing ever! They did a GREAT show and sang my favorite songs of theirs. After they finished, and the crew was getting ready for Toby, K and I decided we needed more beer before the next act.




When we got back, Toby Keith came on stage. He was awesome!! He's all about the troops and sang a lot of his old stuff and some of his new stuff. Ending the show, of course, with "Courtesy of the Red, White & Blue." We were walking out when he started singing it, hoping to miss the chaos of everone else leaving. It was already 2230 and J and SDS had to be back at the battery at 0500. Toby Keith did an amazing job and we had a great time! It was nice to have an adult night.

We didn't do much the rest of the weekend, having done our celebrating on Friday night. J was able to be home for quite a bit of the weekend because of the holiday and that made it a great weekend!!

Creepy Me

I don't feel well today. I think I am coming down with some throat-thing. The last two nights, I haven't slept very well thanks to a particularly fussy baby and I think it is catching up with me. Not helping matters, J is on duty tonight, and I never sleep good when he isn't here. Its pretty sad actually. I am a grown woman and I hate to be alone, in the night, by myself. I start to "hear" things. Then I start to wonder what those "things" are. Then I start to wonder what I would do if I heard someone walk up the stairs. Would I go for the gun or the kid? What if I chose wrong and something bad happened? What if the house caught on fire? Could I get Rylee and the dogs to safety on my own? I'm not making this up; these are the things that go through my head. Sometimes I read to try and keep from focusing on all of the bad things that could-possibly-but-probably-won't go wrong. I'll read for a while and then start to wonder if when I move the book out of my field of vision, if someone will be standing there.

I try really hard to brush it off and be as normal as I can. It's not totally unwarranted, either. Our neighbor's house was broke into twice in one week, in the middle of the day. Of course, his bother was dealing drugs out of that house until he was arrested, but still, It's scary. Not to mention J's car was broken into right in our driveway. Being a woman in a house alone makes you pay extra attention to everything. It wouldn't be hard for someone to see that J wasn't home and to just come on in.

Still, I wish I could help the situation by NOT creeping myself out. It has occured to me this is probably a serious illness. Some deep rooted issue from my childhood. Sometimes I wonder if I will pass my psychotic-ness on to my kids.

Does anyone else do this? Or am I loner in this one?