How ((NOT)) to buy a House - Part 1

I know I haven't written much in the last couple of weeks. I have had a bunch of things going on and as soon as I get on here to write about my lame problems, I read some of the blogs I follow and feel stupid for trying to whine about things that are so menial. The Grand Opening, which was last Saturday, went well. As a business owner I guess you could say it was a bit of a disappointment. I have come to the conclusion that it will never be enough now. This must be the fifth major lesson I've learned from all of this. Unless I had sold all of my inventory and made 100 orders, it wouldn't have been enough. It's not the money. I just want to prove to people that I can do it and it's not all for nothing and it will pay off. Just not tomorrow.

All that being said, I have decided, instead of boring you with Whiny McWhinerson I am going to tell you all about another lesson I have learned in the last couple of years; How ((NOT)) to buy a house. This is a long story. Actually, this is a several long stories. But I guarantee, one that you will benefit from if you are planning on purchasing a home any time soon.

We found out J was going Drill and being sent to Ft. Sill, OK when he was still on his last deployment. We had a long time to process the situation and decided it would be best to buy our first house once we arrived. We knew we would be here for roughly three years and the housing markets in military towns are rarely burdened by the markets in big cities, due to the comings and goings of military personnel. Three years would give us enough time to fix it up and hopefully build a nice amount of equity so we could sell and make decent enough money to buy a nice house, once we got to our next duty station. J and I agreed to look online and just see what Lawton had to offer and what our expectations should be for when we got here. We decided to look online first, move and then find a house once we were here. Essentially, we planned on moving twice. Doing the research this way we found, that for our budget, we were looking at houses that had kitchens and bathrooms that were going to have to pretty much be gutted and started from scratch. Also, we found that the houses here were all mostly 3 bedroom, 1.75 bathroom houses. We wanted 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms.

Everything was going well with our plans and research until I found out I was pregnant. After we knew it was going to stick, I found the idea of moving half way across the country 5 months pregnant and then moving again 6 months or more pregnant once we found a house, to be out of the question. Too hard on me and too hard on the pregnancy. J and I discussed this and though he assured me everything would be fine, I stood my ground on the subject and we decided to find a house BEFORE we moved. What it is pregnancy hormones do to a woman's brain, I'll never understand, but this is inevitably where things start to go wrong.

It just so happened that I came across a house on the Internet right about this time, that I thought would be perfect for us. It had three bedrooms, a large master with his and her walk-in closets and though the bathrooms needed to be updated, there was two and a half of them and also the kitchen was brand new, with custom cabinets and granite counter tops. Even better then all that, It was actually below our price range. We both like the style of the house and even though the real estate agent emailed about 30 pictures of all the potential issues, we decided to go ahead with the bargaining. The real estate agent also told me the house was dirty and said she insisted on putting professional cleaning in the contract. This should have been a red flag but it wasn't. I thought it made sense to have it professionally cleaned, after all that's what they do when you get a new apartment, right? Soon, we were passed the inspection and ready to sign the contract. We were excited to be first time home buyers. We knew it would take some work to get the house to what we wanted it to be but nothing that wasn't cosmetic. The perfect first time home.

A month later we were in the car on our way to Lawton, OK. Our new home and new life. Our trip did not go as planned and 3/4 of the way through Arkansas my brand new car engine seized. The dealer was astounded that my 2006 with 30,000 mile engine had died the way it did. We were astounded to find out that this had never happened before and because of the car I drive there wasn't just an extra engine laying around anywhere close. Actually, I think his words were in the "Continental United States". Now down to one car, we piled all of my stuff, our two dogs and everything of J's into his small car and continued on our way. We were looking forward to seeing and being in our house to make up for the car incident. Man were we in for it.

When we drove through Lawton, we weren't really surprised by how small it is but we were disappointed by the lack of amenities you usually find next to a military post. Like a Target. Or a Dunkin Donuts. We pulled up in our driveway and both of us had the biggest smiles on our faces. The lawn needed to be mowed and the outside of the house needed some work, but it was what we expected. Then we walked through the front door. The house was disgusting. No disgusting doesn't even describe the level of filth these people had been living in. We could actually see where their pictures and decorations hung on the wall and where they had there living room furniture; The walls were so greasy around it all. The kitchen was even worse. There was hairy mold in three of the cabinets. The stove looked as if it hadn't been cleaned in years and the fridge... was well... just gross. On our way up stairs we noticed a three by three inch hole they cut into the ceiling, from what we could tell, to get some piece of furniture out of the house. The "hardwood floors" boasted in the ad were all covered in 12-inch peal and stick tile, that was poignantly left off the ad. The bathrooms were what we expected, except for the feces left in the toilet and the mushy floors. The third bedroom had a perfect line of poop on the wall where an animal cage had been sitting and the entire house was dotted with chunks of chewed blue bubble gum. Chewed freaking gum. We also found a bunch of things you don't think to look for in pictures. Every wall in the house had a different texture than the one it connected to. All the light switches and plug in face plates were yellow and gross. The handrail going up the stairs was literally covered black with sticky and grime. We even found boogers and snot.

I can tell you that I'm a pretty laid back person. Take it as it comes. Flexibility is key when your married to the military. I try to handle every situation like I would want it to be handled if I was on the other side of it. This was not one of those times. I called my real estate agent and explained to her as nicely as I could that the house had not been cleaned like it should have been. It was Monday. Our stuff was arriving Friday. She had until Thursday night to fix the problem or I would be going to JAG. I took pictures. There were clearly items that should have NEVER passed the inspection, the family and the listing real estate agent knew we were military and coming from out of town, I was sure this kind of jilting would be great on the 9 o'clock news. When we got off the phone, she called the listing agent and I can only imagine the ass chewing she gave him, if for nothing other than getting one from me. When she called me back she was out of breathe. A maid was arriving first thing in the morning. I could leave a key if we didn't want to stay there until it was cleaned. The kicker was he told he had walked through the house and felt that it "wasn't that bad." I remember screaming into the phone, "TELL HIM TO COME OVER HERE RIGHT NOW AND TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS 'ISN'T THAT BAD'!!!" I was heated.

He did, in fact, get a maid to the house the very next morning. Lucky enough for us, J had a very good friend stationed here at the time who was good enough to give us his bed for as long as we needed it. We worked 16 hour days all week cleaning, painting and removing gum, trash and peel and stick flooring. When I say painting, I mean we painted. EVERY. Single. Wall. In. This. House. We worked so hard on the house that first week, when I think about it now, I have no clue how I didn't go into premature labor and have to file for divorce at the same time. We tell people now that the fact that we made it through this as a couple shows we'll last through anything. Once it was cleaned the house wasn't that bad. It had our stuff in it and it was at least clean. But we were far from done.

The filth on the outside should have been a warning to what was on the inside. Stay Tuned. Part 2 - Inspector Gadget